Fear

            My feet hit the sand at Oak Street Beach and I knew that I had been hiding. I had been hiding how I felt. I had been hiding from the changes of life that are coming, hiding from my stress, hiding from things I’ve been through. My knees found their way into the sand before the breaking water, my tears found their way down my cheeks, and my discontentment found its way into blubbery words, that formed muffled prayers.

            Fear, everyone has it, but I often try to shove it aside, pretend it’s not present. I stand up straight, I cry only in silence or in the presence of close friends. The faint words from my childhood haunt my thoughts as tears role down my cheeks “smile, be a man, stop crying.” But everyone needs a moment, and last night was mine. I buried my head into my hands and confessed my feelings; my terror of the life that lies before me, apprehension about making the wrong choices, catastrophizing worst cast scenarios. Instead of admitting my inherent fear, giving the power to deal with it, I’d been posing as a strong individual. 

            And then it hit, one is never strong in silence, one is never strong without admitting vulnerabilities and weaknesses. So last night I confessed my fears before myself, before God, and before everyone within hearing distance on that beach. I cried out in my childish fear of what changes are coming, and I asked for strength to make it another breath, another minute, another hour, another day. I prayed for the ability to make right decisions, for guidance, and for discernment. I asked for the grace to forgive myself when something doesn’t turn out the way I think it should. I want to be brave in my ambitions, bold in my choices, and daring in the risks I choose to take.

            Part of life is being open to all emotion, feeling all situations for what they are. Fear and contentment are connected; true happiness can only be felt if you’re willing to subject yourself to the possibility of true despair.

Dare to live.

The Sun is Rising

And when the mountains shake, you are my God, you never change. And when the earth gives way, You are still God, you never change.

God of my hope, God of my need, God of my pain that no one else will ever see, God of my healing, God of my strength, God who is always and will forever reign,

God of my everything.

- Bebo Norman