I woke up to cool air rushing through the windows, the comforter creeping up around my neck, with the chill touching my nose. Today will be day of processing, thinking, writing, and exploring. The walk for a bagel, and morning coffee included deep contrasts of life, and decisions I will be making in the coming months. I packed my bag for the day with a good book, computer, and some homework. My iPod preloaded for reflection, and motivation. A comfy spot at a local coffee shop had my name all over it; so let the reflections begin.
A year ago I took the biggest leap of stupidity and faith; I boarded a plane to New York City, in hopes of finding where my life had gone, and what I was doing so incredibly wrong in living. A mess is what I found the moment I boarded that plane, a mess of life lived for others, questions answered just because someone says it’s a certain way, and restrictions followed with no through explanation or understanding, or reason.
The rebellion of everything I’ve known and everything I’ve ever believed began just a few months after the questions of deeper contrast started to poor. Like a toddler, I’ve arisen to stand on my own feet instead of sitting on the shoulders of others. I’ve entered counseling, I’ve blurted out questions many people are afraid of asking, and I found answers that reshaped how I look at the world, how I look at God, how I look at myself, and how I look at life.
Today, I stand a man of understanding that the world isn’t as “by the book” as many want to convince. The illusion that our problems are so quickly solvable, that life is a game of living up to a certain societies standards and expectations, - two of the largest lies I have ever consciously and subconsciously believed.
I have found a place of exhaustion, exhaustion with perceptions, analytics, arguments, and swaying. I raise my hands in the air with a shout “ life is and always will be more gray, than black and white.”
In the past year I’ve learned what it means to live. I’ve learned the freedom of questions. I’ve felt the pain of being wrong, and I’ve known the freedom in being right. Amongst it all, I’ve found a place of promise, joy, love, and balance. Pain comes, but joy all the more. Love hurts, but it’s totally worth the risk. Questions come with the chance of being wrong, but what’s life without the risk?
Today I’ve found someone I love. Today I have answered questions, and a million more unanswered questions. I have people who love me now, not when I live to their standard. Today I know that I’ve come to a deep understanding of who I am, and how good it feels to be here.
It’s these days, when I can put my hands on the broken parts of my soul, and think thankful thoughts for my imperfections, just as I imagine God doing the same. It’s days like these that I comprehend how blessed I am. It’s days like this when perfection is the enemy and I see the beauty, in the broken. It’s days like these that I see grace flowing like a waterfall.
To experience true joy, you must be willing to experience true pain.
To be right, you must be willing to be wrong.
To find answers, you must be willing to ask the questions.
Let me introduce myself to you, this IS who I am, no more, no less.
The Sun is Rising.
