No one maps out life for us.
No one gives step-by-step instructions to direct us to the right career, the
right love, the right friends. Schools teach us history; we learn methods to
alleviate the pains of people past. The elderly give wisdom to the young, in
hopes that they will avoid decisions that led to failures.
People choose what’s most significant to them, gripping the dreams of the heart; running to what we believe is best for us. As a professor put it this past week “the heart gets what the heart wants, one way or another.” The life I’ve built is one that is both vast in love, broken with imperfection, and beautiful by the people that partake in it.
Where is
contentment in chaos? How do you come to a place where little makes sense in a
frame of future, but is complete for the day? I’m one of those detail people,
that like big pictures, to have understanding of what’s coming before it hits.
I like plans, I love control, I adore change on my own terms, but the last few
weeks of my life haven’t been a culmination of any of those ideals. As I sit today,
my life is a form of chaos. I have a direction, but unknown to me is where that
direction will lead. I have dreams, but unknown is if I’ll have the same dreams
in a year. I have people, and love, but one can’t rely for things to remain
consistent with people or love.
I woke up
this morning. I woke up to the ability to learn, to love, to teach, and to make
decisions that matter. I have this road that I choose to travel daily, a road
that’s warm and pleasant some days, while icy and rugged others. I don’t always
choose what’s coming up in the road, nor will I always be ready for what comes.
Sometimes people join me on the road, and sometimes they leave, sometimes I’m
completely physically alone. It’s important to remember that I can only control
how I react to the different obstacles that reach me. It’s good to remember
that I decide who stays with me on my own road. It’s good to remember that I
control myself, my reactions, my boundaries, but not much beyond that.
I know the
kind of life that I want, and I’m open for the surprises and adjustments that
God will impose along the way. I know that I want to dance on fresh cut grass
on warm summer nights to soft wistful music. I know that I want to laugh and
cry with individuals who bring themselves, just as they are, to my counseling
office. I want celebrations with children as they learn the fundamentals of
life. I want to love someone through not just emotion and empty writing, but
through action and dedication, compromise and willing change. I want to live a
life that is as tasty as it is bitter. I want late nights, early mornings,
laughing, crying, random DANCE parties, hardworking, celebrations, defeat,
travel, new foods, people you love, people you can’t stand, I want prayer so
vibrant and loud, God can’t help but listen. I want a life that announces
lived. This is my story, and it’s good to know that I’m living it with a content heart.
The Sun is Rising
