The feeling that comes from hundreds of bad dates, to many bad days, and a lot of
miscommunication. It comes with life transitions, goodbyes, and new hellos.
It’s weeks of asking the wrong questions, focusing on the wrong things. It’s losing
sight of what matters, of who I am, and why I’m here. It’s when a supervisor
sits you down with a review, pointing out a few areas where you need
improvement, but you catastrophize and shout within yourself “I MUST DO
EVERYTHING BETTER!” But in that moment, when we make that choice, we choose to
do everything a little worse.
I’ve been
on too many bad dates, internalized to many negative comments, and painted an unpleasant
picture for myself. I’ve focused on what I’m doing wrong, what if I’ve made a
life mistake, or why am I alone? I’ve lost sight of what matters, questioning
the parts of myself that have brought the most meaning to my life. “Why did I
choose this profession? I can’t help anyone, I’m a mess…” Sitting across the
table for the twentieth (yes twentieth date) and hearing the same numb,
unconnected, selfish, story of someone who will never understand who I am as a
person, or why I do this work. In that moment, I want to give up my self-awareness,
throw out my emotional being, get my MBA, and numb myself with money.
But then as
the world swirls around me, as my immaturity immerges from my own insecurity,
something hits. Walking across Washington Square, hands full of books, emotion,
and pain, I realize what I’m not letting go of. I remember the beauty in the
work I do. I find the value in my unique sense of emotion and quirky
personality. I forgive myself for what I’ve done wrong. I let go of what I
can’t change. I remember that I am never
alone. I internalize the goal is never to be perfect; the goal is to do the
best I can, in whatever circumstance presents. The objective is to know that I
will fail, that pain will come, and always choosing to feel it. The aim is to
lean in to the discomfort in my person, learn it, talk with it, and move
forward.
As the relief washes over me, the tears flowing, I feel His
presence of unconditional love, and I let go.
The
majority of fights in our lives are with our selves; only you have the power to
choose who wins.
The Sun is Rising.
