Vulnerable. The word makes me shiver. It reminds me of walking down a dark alley with that stranger coming up behind you; it’s that possibility of being crushed, the possibility of being brutally backstabbed. Vulnerable is something we protect our selves from, with our personal walls and masks. Vulnerable is my story, is the reason I don’t share my story enough, but tonight that ends. I will not let my own insecurities of how others view me determine what I share in my story. This is my invitation to you, to your neighbor, to the world: I have a broken, beautiful, bittersweet story to tell of God’s love, about God’s glory, grace, and redemption; and if you want to hear it, you let me know.
The Sun is Rising.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
People
“I’ve failed” my broken self tells me. “I shouldn’t be calling anyone, I should suffer in silence.” My hands frantically reach for my phone, browse to the name. Call. The soft waking voice of a close friend resounds in my ear. The tears begin to roll as I ask if we can talk, apologizing profusely through my blubbering and saying I shouldn’t have called. The reassurance that I’ve done the right thing, that yes we can absolutely talk, that it’s important to be here for each other. Within a few minutes I break into a run into the arms of someone who represents a friend, but family. We sit, the words spill, the tears flow, the brokenness pours, and the healing begins.
It’s important to make those phone calls when the world seems to be crashing in on you. It’s important to reach out for help when you know it’s only inches away. Suffering alone never solved anything for anyone.
It’s also important to pick up the phone, to pull yourself out of bed, to be there. It’s important to be inconvenienced. You may very well be the only person in the world someone talks to, it’s important to take that call, to listen, to be that person’s person, because we all need people. We need to cry together, laugh together, live together, and heal together. We all need our people, the ones that love us through it all, even when we’ve made the wrong decisions.
So when your world crashes, when your heart feels seconds away from stopping, when you find yourself in the place of thinking you have too much, reach for the phone, reach for your people, and when those people reach for you, reach back.
It’s important to make those phone calls when the world seems to be crashing in on you. It’s important to reach out for help when you know it’s only inches away. Suffering alone never solved anything for anyone.
It’s also important to pick up the phone, to pull yourself out of bed, to be there. It’s important to be inconvenienced. You may very well be the only person in the world someone talks to, it’s important to take that call, to listen, to be that person’s person, because we all need people. We need to cry together, laugh together, live together, and heal together. We all need our people, the ones that love us through it all, even when we’ve made the wrong decisions.
So when your world crashes, when your heart feels seconds away from stopping, when you find yourself in the place of thinking you have too much, reach for the phone, reach for your people, and when those people reach for you, reach back.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Meaningful Memories
The flashlights that quickly turned off as you heard the steps coming toward the bedroom door. The giggles as Mom said in that loving, serious, but yet silly tone “go to sleep!” and how you never did. Those mornings waking up with limbs hanging out of sleeping bags and blankets, with little persons’ strewn about the room. The bags of candy, bottles of pop, popcorn kernels, and other articles of junk food scattered about the room.
Today, I miss the times of listening to music on my new boom box, having half the neighborhood over for a sleep over, and doing those crazy third grade science projects in the late afternoons. I miss those chilly nights camping in the backyard. I miss the sun setting, talking with my childhood friends about where we might be when we get to that big mysterious place called college, how we would always be friends know matter what happened.
Those moments of tasteful delights, friendships that seemed endless, and times that will always be remembered, have touched my heart today. All I can comprehend is how simple life was 11 years ago, and how complicated it’s becoming today. Those hot Nebraska afternoons spent throwing water balloons, and playing slip n’ slide in the neighbors backyard have turned into papers, a bustling city, lesson plans, and being responsible for 20 sum children's' homework.
But for now, in this moment, I take back my memories and let them play like a movie, feeling every detail of cool water splashing, drippy ice cream cones, and silly talks of what was to come. Just as my retreat into mind has begun, an ambulance outside my window rushes by to remind me that my reality is now so different, but I’m thankful for the show.
It’s important to remember the good times, it’s important to hang on to those details of utter bliss, because we’ve all had a few. For me, those memories have brought a new energy to my soul, a smile firmly planted on my face enlightens my day, all from those simple moments of a Nebraska summer that was so long ago, but yet still so sweet.
Today, I miss the times of listening to music on my new boom box, having half the neighborhood over for a sleep over, and doing those crazy third grade science projects in the late afternoons. I miss those chilly nights camping in the backyard. I miss the sun setting, talking with my childhood friends about where we might be when we get to that big mysterious place called college, how we would always be friends know matter what happened.
Those moments of tasteful delights, friendships that seemed endless, and times that will always be remembered, have touched my heart today. All I can comprehend is how simple life was 11 years ago, and how complicated it’s becoming today. Those hot Nebraska afternoons spent throwing water balloons, and playing slip n’ slide in the neighbors backyard have turned into papers, a bustling city, lesson plans, and being responsible for 20 sum children's' homework.
But for now, in this moment, I take back my memories and let them play like a movie, feeling every detail of cool water splashing, drippy ice cream cones, and silly talks of what was to come. Just as my retreat into mind has begun, an ambulance outside my window rushes by to remind me that my reality is now so different, but I’m thankful for the show.
It’s important to remember the good times, it’s important to hang on to those details of utter bliss, because we’ve all had a few. For me, those memories have brought a new energy to my soul, a smile firmly planted on my face enlightens my day, all from those simple moments of a Nebraska summer that was so long ago, but yet still so sweet.
Monday, April 4, 2011
What Do I Know of Holy?
My knees have hit the floor once more as the tears of my mistakes are poured out from my eyes. My heart cries, “Here I am Lord, the worst of all sinners. I have broken relationships, neglected your word, and given my love for you back to the world.” The prayers have begun to fall out of my lips as I mumble through how unspeakably sorry I am for not living up to the standards laid out in His beautiful word. I’m reminded of how little I know of what it means to be truly Holy, and how absolutely lost I am, that I’m only capable of laying in a hospital bed, every bone in my body broken, with the capability to only press the call button for Jesus to come tender to my broken, aching soul.
I’ve had several friends ask me why I’m a Christian, and after much reflection I think I’ve given inaccurate answers. The reason doesn’t start with a cookie cutter family, it doesn’t start with roses, and a little house on the prairie, the real reason I’m a Christian is because I found myself on the floor in a mess of pills pleading for my life after thinking it wasn’t worth living, finding a bible not to far from where I laid. It’s because through nights of yelling and fighting through my teens the only source of comfort was the name of Jesus Christ. The reason I’m a Christian is because I’ve watched the lives of my friends transform at Christ’s name. The reason is because Christ found me one lonely night when I was young, and he took me into his arms, held my soul close, and said he would never let go. To this day, I know this is true.
Though my tears hit the floor in front of me, as I realize what I have done; though I continue to fail with every opportunity to succeed; I’m given grace and mercy that I don’t deserve. I’m lavished with love and blessings that I can’t even fathom, and I’m brought to silence as I remember that I’m created in the image of an ever loving God, who gave up his son, so that I may someday believe in him, and have ever lasting life with my creator.
That is why I’m a Christian.
That is what I know of Holy.
Christ did everything that needed to be done, he is forever worthy of my praise. He is the only person ever capable of bringing me happiness. I live my life for him. I breathe because of him. I lay my life down for him. I will one day be with him.
Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
“Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”
“Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay them?”
For from him and through him and for him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
I’ve had several friends ask me why I’m a Christian, and after much reflection I think I’ve given inaccurate answers. The reason doesn’t start with a cookie cutter family, it doesn’t start with roses, and a little house on the prairie, the real reason I’m a Christian is because I found myself on the floor in a mess of pills pleading for my life after thinking it wasn’t worth living, finding a bible not to far from where I laid. It’s because through nights of yelling and fighting through my teens the only source of comfort was the name of Jesus Christ. The reason I’m a Christian is because I’ve watched the lives of my friends transform at Christ’s name. The reason is because Christ found me one lonely night when I was young, and he took me into his arms, held my soul close, and said he would never let go. To this day, I know this is true.
Though my tears hit the floor in front of me, as I realize what I have done; though I continue to fail with every opportunity to succeed; I’m given grace and mercy that I don’t deserve. I’m lavished with love and blessings that I can’t even fathom, and I’m brought to silence as I remember that I’m created in the image of an ever loving God, who gave up his son, so that I may someday believe in him, and have ever lasting life with my creator.
That is why I’m a Christian.
That is what I know of Holy.
Christ did everything that needed to be done, he is forever worthy of my praise. He is the only person ever capable of bringing me happiness. I live my life for him. I breathe because of him. I lay my life down for him. I will one day be with him.
Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
“Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?”
“Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay them?”
For from him and through him and for him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.
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