Waiting

Wind wiping my face with ocean mist, sun setting, soft music playing. It’s the first time I’ve sat with myself for a length in months. It’s this place, enough distance from past events, plenty space forward. Here I find myself, surrounded by a life built mostly alone. Chaotic, with meetings, deadlines, emergencies, plenty of tears. Beautiful, people who’ve enriched my days with change, empowerment, truth, trust, loud laughter. This becomes the intersection of what hurts and what helps, a puzzle coming together. At 26 years, still perplexed by a heart that feels older than skin which rests over my body. Surrounding myself with individuals beyond my time, I find what feels like home. Conversations about life, what works, what doesn’t, what matters, what’s needless; I soak up what they offer, finding deep meaning as their lives pour into my own. These moments alone, this is where I’m able to radically accept the love I’m shown, how meaningful it feels to belong. I know the struggles I face are small in comparison to others, but none the less, they are my struggles. Knowing what one wants, but having the patience to wait for it, are two different things. Seeing where I’m going, who I am, what I want, but continually finding myself frustrated with time. Old hearted in many ways, but young in a few, a deep struggle. Leaving me in this moment with a few tears in my eyes - pain of waiting, but the emerging smile of knowing I’ve found growth. It’s such a bittersweet life. The Sun is Rising