Doubting

            I’ve had my moments. And by moments I mean the type that find myself questioning what I believe and why I believe it. I've questioned God and his creation, I've questioned why life works the way it does, and why it can be so unfair. I've questioned love of others, I've questioned my life path, decisions I’ve made, and the time I've spent helping others. I've wondered if my faith is sufficient, if I serve well, if I’ll do well in life.

            Someone in my life has been undergoing great torment for his own inquiring, for his time of walking away from his faith and questioning what he believes.  People making statements at him now that he’s returned, subjecting him to questioning about where he stands in life, and does he feel ashamed. I must say it’s times like these that I find myself greatly angered at the actions of my fellow Christians.

            Is it logical to chase someone away whom has returned from their searching? Is it defendable to ensure that the person feels guilty for their time of question?

            No. I say no. I say that in all our humanness, we’ve all had our questioning, rather outward or inward. The persecution of those who voice their questions are honest individuals living from a place of vulnerability and truth of heart. It takes great courage to question the foundations of ones faith, and voice those questions to family and friends.

            With a hug, and some tears, I welcomed him home. I don’t need to know every detail of why, where, and what happened. All I need is to know that my friend, who is often more like a brother, has returned home.

            People doubt, question, walk away… its part of being in a depraved world of hurt and pain. I don’t think it’s our job to increase the pain of those who have returned from their time of question. Measuring the grace that God gives each of us to function daily is beyond comprehension of any human, but yet many of us are so quick to hold our own grace from others.

“Jesus, Jesus, there are those that say they love you, but they have treated me so god damn mean. And I know you’ve said forgive them for they know not what they do, but sometimes I think they do, and I think about you”

- Noah Gunderson

Fear

            My feet hit the sand at Oak Street Beach and I knew that I had been hiding. I had been hiding how I felt. I had been hiding from the changes of life that are coming, hiding from my stress, hiding from things I’ve been through. My knees found their way into the sand before the breaking water, my tears found their way down my cheeks, and my discontentment found its way into blubbery words, that formed muffled prayers.

            Fear, everyone has it, but I often try to shove it aside, pretend it’s not present. I stand up straight, I cry only in silence or in the presence of close friends. The faint words from my childhood haunt my thoughts as tears role down my cheeks “smile, be a man, stop crying.” But everyone needs a moment, and last night was mine. I buried my head into my hands and confessed my feelings; my terror of the life that lies before me, apprehension about making the wrong choices, catastrophizing worst cast scenarios. Instead of admitting my inherent fear, giving the power to deal with it, I’d been posing as a strong individual. 

            And then it hit, one is never strong in silence, one is never strong without admitting vulnerabilities and weaknesses. So last night I confessed my fears before myself, before God, and before everyone within hearing distance on that beach. I cried out in my childish fear of what changes are coming, and I asked for strength to make it another breath, another minute, another hour, another day. I prayed for the ability to make right decisions, for guidance, and for discernment. I asked for the grace to forgive myself when something doesn’t turn out the way I think it should. I want to be brave in my ambitions, bold in my choices, and daring in the risks I choose to take.

            Part of life is being open to all emotion, feeling all situations for what they are. Fear and contentment are connected; true happiness can only be felt if you’re willing to subject yourself to the possibility of true despair.

Dare to live.

The Sun is Rising

And when the mountains shake, you are my God, you never change. And when the earth gives way, You are still God, you never change.

God of my hope, God of my need, God of my pain that no one else will ever see, God of my healing, God of my strength, God who is always and will forever reign,

God of my everything.

- Bebo Norman