Three years. Three years since I up and left a life that was
built for me, with all the privileges and ease. Sitting in my office, looking out onto Park Avenue, reflecting on what I left, what I lost, but more significantly, what
I gained. A young man arrived in New York to an empty room with no one by his
side three years ago, searching for meaning after a long period of struggle and
disconnection. The pain of being brutally outed, the struggle of my faith, the
thought that I’d made a huge mistake.
She was in her 80s, homeless for decades prior, her raspy
voice would greet me at the door. Tasked with her care, I entered. This woman,
whom I’d never met, would surely change my life. A life of suffering, through
her mumbles and unorganized speech, I would come to know her story. A woman who
refused to see anything suffer, who loved fishing, who saved a puppy while
being beaten. This woman had the label of schizophrenia, but she was not her
illness. Dying of cancer before my eyes, I attempted to force care. “Do you not
understand? This, this is how I want to go Lee, let me go the way I want to go.”
My eyes filled with tears before her, I realized then the circle of how we
attempt ownership of one and other. She was important to me, but my selfishness
began to impact the harmless want of another human. Letting go, I sat with her
weekly, words of wisdom pouring from her about what matters, what doesn’t, and
how to know the difference.
The world may have forgotten her, but she will never be
forgotten by me, living on in her stories that have left me different. Igniting
a fire within my soul, a permanent imprint of what it means to help people who
cannot help themselves.
When I was outed, it didn’t matter what I had to say for
myself, it became what everyone else had to say. I was privileged to have
strong people who rallied with me and for me during that time, who told me
truth, helping me regain my voice.
Today, with plenty of struggle and continually becoming self-aware,
I’ve come to love myself better, love others better, and live a life that is
both meaningful and beautiful. Living a life of different, picking whats hard over whats easy for the bittersweetness that comes from difficult decisions.
