“Something has died in this man.” He said, placing his hand gently on my shoulder as I readied to leave. Turning to him, he stated, “but something is abundantly alive.” This man enlightened me to own my power struggles, privileges, issues of self-worth, some time ago. Different in our cultures, skin color, development; he knows me well, noticing the subtleties within my person, calling me out when a change is noted.
Knowing who you are, while also
standing up for who you are – that’s gray. When must I change and not my environment? When must my environment change instead of me?
Smacked in the face of clarity recently, I’ve come to realize how well I know myself.
I can list how I feel, I can articulate what I need. I know
where I’m going, with a healthy love of self.
Boundaries, that's what I've been lacking, declaring my right to be enough.
Recently, I watched with a front row seat as I let myself be taken advantage
of emotionally. Framed as simple, unintelligent,
over-emotional, small, I clung to the ideals of another human and retreated
from myself. I felt my passion fade, pain set in, resulting in emptiness.
A colleague forcefully removing a phone from
my hands states at the top of her lungs, “Steven, you cannot hold on to anyone
who isn’t holding on to you. You’re falling, we all see it. We can’t save you,
though we want to, only you can save you.” Finding footing from her words, I regained my
voice.
That day, in that space, I saw my compromises which led to my downfall.
Today, I stand stronger in my ability to say I am proud of the man I've become. I’ve grown resilient, a more concrete attitude that I can have pride
in myself, I can stand up for who I am.
“Relationships don’t end, they complete. This
relationship taught you more about yourself than you already realize. For a
while, you’ve known who you are and you’ve come to love that person. But now,
now you’ve learned how to stand for that person. You’re weaknesses are dying
Mr. Pokorski, but your heart’s growing in robust form.”
The Sun is Rising
