The Worst Date

Heart racing, limbs numb, thoughts colliding like car crashes... it had been one hell of day at work leading me to this moment when I would walk through a door to lay eyes on a man I’d known for less than a week. Two late night conversations of intense connectivity and fierce intellectual conversation, I was nervous, I was anxious.

Emails racing, anger pulsing, frantic phone calls, disaster planning... I left work in a cold sweat after experiencing a tragic failure in our healthcare system. A few tears running down my face as I walked into the brisk spring air, I wiped them away preparing for a date I was trying to look forward too.

As I pushed passed the crowd, some faces I knew, taking a seat next to him in the corner, it began. We sat in awkward conversation as I reeled from where I had just come. Ordering a whisky neat, I tossed it back faster than anticipated. The conversation mellowed and we began to share ourselves. Why I moved here, what he does, where I went to school, the basics… but, for me, it’s never enough for just pleasantries. I’m a firm believer in not wasting time, being bold in sharing who I am. I told the story of what I do, how I see the world, what I want… watching his eyes lock on, the goosebumps rise on his skin as I spoke my truth...

I concluded and awaited for him to speak. Diving into his own story, he began with our differences, describing a vast chasm between us where I had turned my energy, love, privilege, power - outward, declaring that he had turned inward. “I see benefit in being completely selfish in every situation in life, making it all about what I get out of it.” My skin began to crawl as I viscerally reacted to his statements. “I’m a firm believer that I am God like and this universe revolves around me.” Doing as trained, I choked back internal reaction. “I have a deep respect for what you do, those people are lucky to have you, but I don’t care about them, I don’t care about the homeless people on the street.” Concluding what he said, realizing the bold statement that he just made, I had a choice; I had a choice to sit there and not stand up for myself, not to stand up for what I believe - I also had the choice to say something, to act with dignity for myself, my colleagues, for my clients, for my way of life.

I’ve been faced at this crux of life a few times, choosing the path of least resistance, allowing him to have a sort of power over me and submission to this sort of thinking. "No, not this time." I old myself.

He looked at me and stated “I’m not a bad person.”

I looked at him, putting my hand on the table, “No... you’re not a bad person, you’re an average person.”  

I reached for my jacket gently as we sat in silence after my comment, shock not leaving his face. I felt the straps of my backpack as I placed them around my shoulders. I turned my head to the bartender, placing my credit card, signing the bill and walking out the door without a second glance.

I left.

I left with dignity for myself, for my clients, for my profession, and honestly, for humanity.

For the first time I profoundly stood up for myself, for what I believe in, and for that I am proud.

That, that is healing.

The Sun is Rising