Healing

            My chest raises, air filling my lungs with a deep purposeful breath. It’s evening, the city coming to life with warmth of taxi lights, the distant chatters of evening commute. I walk out of the majestic door of NYU Silver to enter Washington Square as I’ve done many times before; this time though, this time I walk with a sense of feeling, a sense of accomplishment, growth, and joy; a sense of pain, loss, and grief. Five months ago, boarding a plane from Chicago, I left behind a life I always wanted, to find the life my soul needed.

            Landing in New York, crawling into a cab, giving direction to an apartment never visited, to live with people never met. Keys in hand, freshly pulled from a mailed envelope beforehand, I stood at the door of my new home. Opening the door, walking upstairs, pushing open the door to an empty bedroom, placing two bags on the floor, the last twilight beams giving official welcome. I placed myself in the middle of that empty room, I sat, I listened, I hoped. I hoped that I hadn’t made the largest mistake of my life, I hoped for transformation, for joy through suffering, for abundant bittersweet life. “I need you, I need you, I need you,” I prayed, to the subtle responding sensation of “I am with you, I am with you, I am with you.”

            Walking through the jungle of streets aimlessly this evening, I notice change within my being. The frequency of human pain I’ve encountered, the talented intellectual people I’ve met, the subjection to experiences that will leave me different.  Many of us came here alone, in search of like-minded things; forging a new family, my new family, allowing deep love and support from those who surround me. I’ve shared myself, my stories, my reality, boldly with a response of unconditional acceptance.

            Nothing about this new life has been easy. I’ve had many a hard day within my new line of work; I’ve had many a hard self-realization of flaws and negative qualities. But I’ve also found in those moments of deep disappointment, a greater ability to love, to empathize, to advocate, and to heal.

This, more than anything else, is what I've come to know: that I am healing.

That we all are healing.