“Steven, God is only bad if the pain doesn’t
have purpose.”
This
statement echoed in my head as I sat in the office of a professor who walked with me for the past four years of my life. Her soft-spoken voice telling of how proud she is of my accomplishments draws tears to my eyes as I ready myself
for goodbye.
The
pains of my life have found their purpose by where I’m heading. Slow motion
defines how my days have been playing out as the next chapter nears. I've learned so much about what it means to be human, what it means to love people,
fear God, and stand up for what I believe in. I no longer wonder who I am,
because sometime ago, I found myself here. Forced to grapple with my pain and
anger, in my resentment for God and life, I wrestled. As many of my friends and
professors had come to define me as Jacob, the one who wrestles with God; of
course, God won the battle of my definition within time.
The
material items within my life, all up for sale. Heading for the unknown, a
9/6-foot room in a rough area of New York. I’m giving up a life I once thought
I wanted, for the one that my spirit actually needs. Simplicity with a goal of
fighting for justice; to answer the call of those who don’t have voices of
their own. What qualifies me for such a duty? Because I was once that
individual, voiceless, unable to stand for myself, watching as individuals
ruthlessly fought for my existence and freedom. I was once the person drowning
in pain, but saved by individuals who pulled me out, enlightening me to my worth,
and sending me on the road to life once more.
This
will be one of the greatest challenges of my existence; taking God hand in
hand, walking into a future without someone physically by my side. I’m
confronting my largest fears of being alone, to being uncomfortable, but
somehow I have peace. This is the life I want to live: gritty, uncomfortable,
vulnerable, bittersweet, and simple.
Now more than ever, I will acknowledge the friends, family, and strangers who read this blog. I need your support more now than ever before, so if you’re reading this, if you pray, send good vibes, or just believe in encouragement, I publicly ask for a moment of your time, to think of me.
The Sun is Rising
The Sun is Rising
"because it's one thing to wonder if someone else's freedom is worth fighting for, but what if that freedom was yours?"
I hope I will get to the point where I am "...giving up a life I once thought I wanted, for the one that my spirit actually needs". Thanks for writing this post, Stephen. And thank you for encouraging me during times when I was panicking and really needed it. I cannot thank you enough. I pray God would be your strength every day of this life you're striving for: total trust in God and surrender to Him. Please keep writing; this post is beautifully written and so inspiring.
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